diff --git a/.github/workflows/labeled.yml b/.github/workflows/labeled.yml
index 6c9624a9b7..76c01324ae 100644
--- a/.github/workflows/labeled.yml
+++ b/.github/workflows/labeled.yml
@@ -105,11 +105,16 @@ jobs:
         env:
           GITHUB_ISSUE_BODY: ${{ github.event.issue.body }}
           GITHUB_ISSUE_TITLE: ${{ github.event.issue.title }}
+          GITHUB_ISSUE_NUMBER: ${{ github.event.issue.number }}
         shell: bash
         run: |
           LABELS=$(bun scripts/read-issue.ts)
           bun scripts/is-outdated.ts
 
+          # Check for patterns that should close the issue
+          CLOSE_ACTION=$(bun scripts/handle-crash-patterns.ts)
+          echo "close-action=$CLOSE_ACTION" >> $GITHUB_OUTPUT
+
           if [[ -f "is-outdated.txt" ]]; then
             echo "is-outdated=true" >> $GITHUB_OUTPUT
           fi
@@ -128,8 +133,31 @@ jobs:
           echo "latest=$(cat LATEST)" >> $GITHUB_OUTPUT
           echo "labels=$LABELS" >> $GITHUB_OUTPUT
           rm -rf is-outdated.txt outdated.txt latest.txt is-very-outdated.txt
+      - name: Close issue if pattern detected
+        if: github.event.label.name == 'crash' && fromJson(steps.add-labels.outputs.close-action).close == true
+        uses: actions/github-script@v7
+        with:
+          script: |
+            const closeAction = JSON.parse('${{ steps.add-labels.outputs.close-action }}');
+            
+            // Comment with the reason
+            await github.rest.issues.createComment({
+              owner: context.repo.owner,
+              repo: context.repo.repo,
+              issue_number: context.issue.number,
+              body: closeAction.comment
+            });
+            
+            // Close the issue
+            await github.rest.issues.update({
+              owner: context.repo.owner,
+              repo: context.repo.repo,
+              issue_number: context.issue.number,
+              state: 'closed',
+              state_reason: closeAction.reason
+            });
       - name: Generate comment text with Sentry Link
-        if: github.event.label.name == 'crash'
+        if: github.event.label.name == 'crash' && fromJson(steps.add-labels.outputs.close-action).close != true
         # ignore if fail
         continue-on-error: true
         id: generate-comment-text
diff --git a/scripts/handle-crash-patterns.ts b/scripts/handle-crash-patterns.ts
new file mode 100644
index 0000000000..4741a60c3e
--- /dev/null
+++ b/scripts/handle-crash-patterns.ts
@@ -0,0 +1,68 @@
+#!/usr/bin/env bun
+
+const body = process.env.GITHUB_ISSUE_BODY || "";
+const title = process.env.GITHUB_ISSUE_TITLE || "";
+const issueNumber = process.env.GITHUB_ISSUE_NUMBER;
+
+if (!issueNumber) {
+  throw new Error("GITHUB_ISSUE_NUMBER must be set");
+}
+
+interface CloseAction {
+  reason: "not_planned" | "completed";
+  comment: string;
+}
+
+let closeAction: CloseAction | null = null;
+
+// Check for workers_terminated
+if (body.includes("workers_terminated")) {
+  closeAction = {
+    reason: "not_planned",
+    comment: `Duplicate of #15964
+We are tracking worker stability issues in https://github.com/oven-sh/bun/issues/15964. For now, I recommend against terminating workers when possible.`,
+  };
+}
+
+// Check for better-sqlite3 with RunCommand or AutoCommand
+else if (body.includes("better-sqlite3") && (body.includes("[RunCommand]") || body.includes("[AutoCommand]"))) {
+  closeAction = {
+    reason: "not_planned",
+    comment: `Duplicate of #4290.
+better-sqlite3 is not supported yet in Bun due to missing V8 C++ APIs. For now, you can try [bun:sqlite](https://bun.com/docs/api/sqlite) for an almost drop-in replacement.`,
+  };
+}
+
+// Check for CPU architecture issues (Segmentation Fault/Illegal Instruction with no_avx)
+else if (
+  (body.includes("Segmentation Fault") || 
+   body.includes("Illegal Instruction") || 
+   body.includes("IllegalInstruction")) && 
+  body.includes("no_avx")
+) {
+  let comment = `Bun requires a CPU with the micro-architecture [\`nehalem\`](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nehalem_(microarchitecture)) or later (released in 2008). If you're using a CPU emulator like qemu, then try enabling x86-64-v2.`;
+  
+  // Check if it's macOS
+  const platformMatch = body.match(/Platform:\s*([^\n]+)/i) || body.match(/on\s+(macos|darwin)/i);
+  const isMacOS = platformMatch && (platformMatch[1]?.toLowerCase().includes("darwin") || platformMatch[1]?.toLowerCase().includes("macos"));
+  
+  if (isMacOS) {
+    comment += `\n\nIf you're on a macOS silicon device, you're running Bun via the Rosetta CPU emulator and your best option is to run Bun natively instead.`;
+  }
+  
+  closeAction = {
+    reason: "not_planned",
+    comment,
+  };
+}
+
+if (closeAction) {
+  // Output the action to take
+  console.write(JSON.stringify({
+    close: true,
+    reason: closeAction.reason,
+    comment: closeAction.comment,
+  }));
+} else {
+  console.write(JSON.stringify({ close: false }));
+}
\ No newline at end of file